Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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