I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
