My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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