Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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