Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
