Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
