If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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