My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
