I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize