Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
