remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
