I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
