The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
