mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
