You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
