Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't deserve a penis
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
