Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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