When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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