Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
