Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
