Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
