listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Semen is not good for contacts.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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