Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.