If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.