sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..