I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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