i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
