u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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