I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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