based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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