your room smells of hookers.
And success
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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