Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
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I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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