we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
