how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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