This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
