Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
