I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She's the barista slut.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
