Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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