I faked an abortion last night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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