You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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