He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
