I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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