Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
