Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
