I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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