I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
