Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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