I just saw a hot homeless man
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
