Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dicks are not precious.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
