You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
