My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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