During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
whose parrot is this?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
