remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
