So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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